Stressball

It’s rare that you trade stories of mental health experiences with a colleague while sitting on the outside ledges of the Oculus building in New York on a random lunch break. But here we are. And since then, we’ve had a few conversations over the years openly discussing our mental health, lives, rap music, and just about everything else. Thank you my friend, for sharing the below.

Friend

I’ve suffered with depression for a long time now. I first realized something was not right about my 8th grade year. I felt sad constantly and when I was around my friends and family I felt alone. Going into high school feeling this way was extremely tough as insecurities arose and I was still working on finding myself. I was always chubby growing up so I never felt comfortable with myself. I saw people in relationships and that’s what I wanted but I was shy and too worried about being rejected.

When I got my drivers license when I was 16 I would constantly be out and about. That was my safe space where I could be alone from everyone including my family and just listen to music or reflect on how I’m feeling. I always would get this overwhelming feeling where I felt like nothing could possibly help what I’m feeling in that moment. These episodes are horrible and they get extremely dark. So many times I would go driving and I would think about crashing my car and ending this unexplained hurt I always felt.

I moved to New York from another state by myself not knowing anyone. I moved for the dream of music. So many times living here I kept getting kicked while I was already down and wanted to give up. I considered moving back with my family so I wouldn’t do any harm to myself. Somehow I still have not given up. Life has been nothing but horrible to me in my eyes but I still continued to push through it.

I finally found therapy for the first time about 2 years ago. This has helped me tremendously and I would recommend this to anyone. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I have went through trial and error with different medications to help me. I finally feel like I’ve found the right medications and have gotten myself to a point where things seem to be looking up for me.

Music hasn’t worked out for me as I planned it would but that’s okay. I feel grateful for what I have achieved up to this point and I can still work on music as much as I want to on the side for now. Things are looking up and I never thought I would make it to that point. I hope to continue on this path and just be happy and gain love for myself.