My most recent depression was quite intense. A flooding hurricane of panic attacks and destructive thought patterns tunnel-visioned me to the sight of one thing and one thing only – the idea of suicide. This time, there was planning involved. And then this gem came on.

“DON’T LEAVE SO SOON”

Most of the time when I listen to music, I don’t actually pay attention to the lyrics but rather prefer to enjoy the wider sonic landscape – the voice just being one component of. I actually don’t even understand the lyrics to some of my favorite artists like Bon Iver and Future. Like seriously, sounds awesome but what are you guys even saying? But in this case, Don Toliver and Kanye West’s voices “got through.” Perhaps it was the annoying(lol), shrilly, alarm-like falsetto of Mr. Toliver’s voice that pierced through all the noise in my head. Perhaps it was Kanye West’s warm, calm, and comforting vocals that invited me in. Perhaps it was my obsession of Kid Cudi. Probably all three. That line – “Don’t leave so soon” – served as a mantra just like Kid Cudi’s chorus to Reborn did back then. The message that these three conveyed in this song contradicted every thought in my head..

Ok, FINE you guys win. Just please stop singing like you inhaled a balloon 😉

I was googling a lot about suicide during this time. What it was, what it meant. This video helped me understand a bunch. The difference between passive and active suicidal ideation and how quickly one can evolve into another.

I also called these guys a bunch during this time. Wouldn’t be surprised if they have me saved over there as a favorite.

988 Lifeline